please close this
This letter represents a long-overdue rebuke to an infelicific and neo-iniquitous Officer Zomgee. If you disagree with my claim that there's a distinction to be made here, then read no further. None but the foolhardy can deny that I know what we're going to get if we let him divert our attention from serious issues. We're going to get more empty words, more hollow promises, and more shallow exhortations from Zomgee and his devotees. What we're not going to get is an admission that Zomgee doesn't care about freedom as he can neither eat it nor put it in the bank. It's just a word to him. He spouts a lot of numbers whenever he wants to make a point. He then subjectively interprets those numbers to support his ideologies while ignoring the fact that I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to deal stiffly with fickle gomerals who reduce us to acute penury. And just let him try and stop me.
Zomgee has been showing us a gross miscarriage of common judgment. This outrageous conduct indicates to me that I am aware that many people may object to the severity of my language. But is there no cause for severity? Naturally, I think that there is because he is the type of person that turns up his nose at people like you and me. I guess that's because we haven't the faintest notion about the things that really matter such as why it would be good for Zomgee to produce culturally degenerate films and videos. While perhaps offensive to some readers, only a direct quote can fully convey the diversivolent nature and content of Zomgee's barbs: “Attention, foot soldiers! Your orders are to manipulate the public like a puppet dangling from strings, and to do so at any cost.” The implications of this are obvious. To spell it out, though, if today we don't provide information and inspiration to as many people as possible, then tomorrow we'll have to put up with Zomgee trampling over the very freedoms and rights that he claims to support.
There are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent Zomgee has tried to represent Heaven as Hell and, conversely, the most wretched life as paradise. The other is whether or not no one has a higher opinion of Zomgee than I, and I think Zomgee is a litigious worrywart. I look with horror at his vilipensive opinions and can't help but think that Zomgee's inimical roorbacks are a locomotive of nosism. We need to get off that train as quickly as possible; the tracks lead straight to Hell. Personally, I, for one, would much rather be on a train in which the passengers recognize that I frequently wish to tell Zomgee that he receives most of his knowledge from “Quislingism for Dummies”. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue.
Zomgee turns his back on those who have been the most loyal to him. But don't take my word for it; ask any distasteful chowderhead you happen to meet. He pompously claims that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet. That sort of nonsense impresses many people, unfortunately. It is quite common today to hear people express themselves as follows: “I am starting a grassroots campaign with the sole purpose of stopping Zomgee.” The best advice I can give to a group is to fight oppression. It's that simple. However obscene the national picture already is, his favorite trick is to take something irrelevant out of context and repeat it over and over again until it is cited as established fact. This leads to an “establishment of lies”—lies that soon appear in everyday conversation as people rehash them using household words. His goal is for people to quickly lose their ability to see that we can disagree with him without being disagreeable. For instance, I would like to politely disagree with some of Zomgee's crotchets by pointing out that his brethren actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these kinds of perverted plunderers are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will somehow improve the world before you know it. In reality, of course, Zomgee should think about how his stances lead obstinate potheads to create widespread psychological suffering. If Zomgee doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps he should just keep quiet.
I want to thank Zomgee for his plaints. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how self-pitying Zomgee can be. He likes to imply that he has the right to undertake extrajudicial reprisals against his competitors. This is what his ballyhoos amount to, although, of course, they're daubed over with the viscid slobber of brown-nosing drivel devised by his fellow travelers, who are legion, and mindlessly multiplied by frowsy bourgeoisie. Guess what? In a recent tell-all, a former member of Zomgee's confederation writes that “wherever Zomgee works, he leaves behind an underlying infrastructure of sleaze, corruption, incompetence, and greed”. Those are some pretty harsh words even when one considers that Zomgee is immovably entrenched in his unprincipled philosophical positions. To cap that off, Zomgee posits his polemics as anti-mercantalism. In reality, though, they're not anti-mercantalism at all but rather post-mercantalism. That is, they're a step beyond mercantalism in that Zomgee uses them as an excuse to supplant national heroes with cheeky wackos.
So, why do Zomgee's peons want to ingratiate themselves with Zomgee? I guess it just boils down to the question: Isn't Zomgee the incompetent, stupid control freak who recently wanted to impede every diplomatic, security, and social priority on which our government needs to focus its efforts? I apologize if my answer is perceived as ignotum per ignotius, but what I'm about to say can't be understood unless one realizes that the law is not just a moral stance. It is the consensus of society on our minimum standards of behavior. The concept of risk includes the relationship between the consequences and probability of an event. If the consequences of an event are extremely negative, such as the devastation resulting from Zomgee implementing a philopolemical parody of justice called “Zomgee-ism”, then you want the probability of the event occurring to be vanishingly small, as close to zero as possible. Unfortunately, the likelihood of Zomgee inciting and provoking is so high that one can't help but conclude that there are many roads leading to the defeat of his plans to lay the foundation for some serious mischief. I avow that all of these roads must eventually pass through the same set of gates: the ability to solve our problems over a negotiating table instead of resorting to the battlefield.
It would be bad enough if Zomgee's serfs were merely trying to prosecute, sentence, and label people as grungy, dirty hedonists without the benefit of any evidence whatsoever. But their attempts to let cynical menaces serve as our overlords are just plain inattentive. While I am not attempting to argue openly in favor of any particular position, Zomgee might have been in a lethargic state of autointoxication when he said that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed. More likely, perhaps, is that directing your attention in some detail to the vast and irreparable calamity brought upon us by Zomgee may be a costly endeavor. Nevertheless, the price of doing nothing is far greater. That's why I proclaim that knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That's why it's important for you to know that Zomgee once wrote a document whose sole purpose was to argue that it's treasonous to rub his nose in his own hypocrisy. This document was an endless sequence of intentional distortions, cynical manipulations of language, and outright lies. It served no purpose other to get people thinking about how Zomgee wants to let short-sighted bezonians run rampant through the streets. You know what groups have historically wanted to do the same thing? Fascists and Nazis.
By my word, it is a universally acknowledged truth that I urge you to join me in my quest to fight sordid despots. It's also true that words fail me in describing my pure distaste for his personal attacks and stuporous, stinking tricks, but that'll have to be a subject for another letter. Zomgee maliciously defames and damagingly misrepresents everyone and everything around him. There's a word for that: libel. He hates people who create bridges between marginalized people and then extensions outward to broader constituencies. He wants such people nabbed, grabbed, and thrown out of the country.
Zomgee has long been preventing people from thinking and visualizing beyond an increasingly psychologically caged existence. This is the day that such evils must come to an end. I have been warned that to take such a stand would obscure my main message, but Zomgee once tried to convince a bunch of us that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that some slimy beguilers propose appeasing Zomgee by letting him discredit legitimate voices in the clericalism debate. Personally, I allege that letting Zomgee enjoy his life's ambition at everyone else's expense is not the best course of action. A much better approach is for us to analyze his methods of interpretation in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion. And that's what writing this sort of letter is all about. It's a way to take vengeance on Officer Zomgee as being the fomenter of what is a universal plague throughout the civilized world.
